When you become the only: the inner work of single parenting
Single parenting is often spoken about in terms of logistics.
School runs, time management, finances, exhaustion, coordination, doing the work of two people with one body. And while all of that is very real, it’s only part of the experience.
Beneath the practical layer is a quieter and deeper transition — the shift from shared holding to sole holding, from “we’ve got this” to “this is mine to carry now.” This is not just a change in responsibility. It is a change in identity, in nervous system load, and in how you relate to yourself.
From Shared to Sole
When you parent with someone else, even imperfectly, there is usually a sense — conscious or unconscious — that you are not alone in holding the emotional, practical, and relational weight of the family.
When that changes, something inside you recalibrates.
You become the one who remembers, anticipates, soothes, decides, plans, worries, reassures, and keeps things moving — often without anyone seeing how much this actually takes.
This can bring:
A deepening of self-trust
A growing sense of competence and resilience
And also a quiet, ongoing fatigue that doesn’t always resolve with rest
Both can be true at the same time.
The Invisible Load
Much of what single parents carry is not visible.
It’s not just the tasks — it’s the emotional tracking:
Who is struggling?
Who needs more reassurance?
Who is withdrawing?
Who is acting out?
It’s the constant background awareness that there is no one else to hand things to when you’re tired, overwhelmed, or unsure.
This can lead to a state of low-grade vigilance in the nervous system — not panic, not crisis, but a sustained “on-ness” that slowly depletes.
Strength and Tenderness
Single parenting often calls forth parts of you that you didn’t know you had: strength, clarity, decisiveness, endurance.
And it also touches very tender places: loneliness, longing for support, grief for what you imagined family life would be, and sometimes resentment that you’re carrying more than feels fair.
Again, this is not dysfunction — it is honesty.
Allowing both the strength and the tenderness to exist without one cancelling out the other is part of the inner work of single parenting.
The Relationship with Yourself
As the external support structure changes, your relationship with yourself becomes more central.
You become:
The one you rely on
The one you soothe
The one who decides when enough is enough
The one who notices when you are stretched too thin
This can be empowering — and it can be lonely.
Learning to be in relationship with yourself with kindness, realism, and respect is not a luxury here. It is a form of sustainability.
Receiving Support Without Collapsing
One of the hardest shifts for many single parents is learning how to receive support again — without collapsing into dependence or pushing it away in self-protection.
To let help be help.
To let rest be rest.
To let yourself be held sometimes, even if only briefly.
Not because you can’t do it alone — but because you shouldn’t always have to.
A Different Kind of Family
Single-parent families are not broken versions of something else. They are their own shape.
They often hold:
A depth of intimacy
A strong sense of “us”
A clarity about what matters
And a resilience that is quietly extraordinary
The work is not to make them look like something else — but to let them become what they are.
A Different Kind of Work
The work of single parenting is not just raising children.
It is:
Holding a system alone
Regulating yourself so you can regulate others
Making room for grief without letting it define you
Letting yourself be changed by what this role asks of you
It is deep work. It is relational work. It is human work.
And you are not failing because it’s hard.
You are doing something that matters.